I'm new...and frustrated. :)

[Jasmi]

Hello, everyone! I just registered for the forums and it seems that there is a bunch of very open and supportive people here. I'm hoping that you all can offer me some assistance...it's been a little rough over here lately.

I am a single mom to an amazing boy who just turned 10. I have been raising him on my own since he was a baby. His dad was not ready to be a father, and now calls his son approximately once every 4 months, and on birthdays and Christmas. I have explained to my ex that he is welcome to call more often, but he does not. He has visited my son once in the past 8 years...they're not close. My son tells his dad that he loves him, but I think it's more out of a sense of obligation than out of actual love. It makes me very sad for my son, but I am trying to be the best parent that I can, regardless. It's hard sometimes because I don't feel that I got the best example from my own parents, and sometimes I wonder if I have the proper tools, if that makes any sense. I'm still trying to figure it out. But, lately it seems that things have gotten much more difficult.

My son is almost always grumpy....and I can't understand what's going on. He has been very negative lately, and quick to anger. My son has never had any issues with school. He was reading chapter books by age 3 and has always done well. This past year, he has started saying that he hates school, and he's actually gotten into trouble a few times for not paying attention and talking in class. I know that kids do this, but it's a prety consistent thing. Yesterday I picked him up from the after-school program at his school (he does not like going there, but I must work, and this is our only option), and the homework teacher talked to me and said that my son did not agree with her methods and was disrespectful to her...I looked at my son, and I have not seen him that upset in a long time. Later, privately, I spoke with him to get his side of the story. As part of his regular class homework, he needs to write each of his 20 spelling words 3 times...this particular teacher in the after school program erases his entire page of work if she thinks his handwriting is not good enough. I can understand why he is upset, but that is not justification for disrespect; I let him know that he will apologize to the teacher for that. I was upset about him getting in trouble at school, but then when we got home, out of nowhere he had a meltdown about his dad. He said that he felt that his dad "ditched" him, that he does not love his dad, that he hates him, that he's mad at ME because he can't believe that I didn't choose to have a baby with someone that would stick around, and that I must have driven him away...you get the picture. I have never, EVER spoke disparagingly about his dad. NEVER. It serves no purpose for me to do that. But what do I do? I left my ex because he was (and probably IS) a huge yeller...he yelled at me constantly for every little thing, and I am certain that eventually he would have hit me. I told him when my son was born that if he yelled at me in front of the baby I would leave, and he yelled at me...ONCE. I left. I didn't want my son to grow up with that constant example and think that it was okay to treat any human like that, let alone his mother. I don't regret leaving. But how do I help my son to understand that I love him unconditionally, I will ALWAYS be there for him, that his dad didn't "ditch" him, and that we will be okay? Maybe I need to believe that first. I have just been thrown for a loop here. This has not happened before, and I have to wonder if he's been feeling it for a while. He's been VERY grumpy, getting in trouble at school, and now the meltdown. What can I, or should I, do? I get to feeling so guilty at times. I'm trying to raise my son, work full time, go to grad school at night, and I wonder if I should cut back on something, but WHAT? My son comes first, but I already feel as though I'm "losing" myself, if that makes sense. There is absolutely nothing left over for me emotionally at the end of the day.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Has anyone experienced this lately that could offer some advice? I am so emotionally exhausted from stress and worry that it's just hard. Thank you all!