Non-Custodial Single Parent

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When we think about a single parent, we generally mean the parent with whom children live after divorce or custodial parent. But the non-custodial parent is also a "single parent."

Challenges of being a non-custodial parent

There has been less focus on providing support for the needs of non-custodial parents, and their role is often unclear. There are few role models for how parents in this situation can remain an active part of their children's lives. They are not able to spend time with their children on a daily basis, or in a situation where they can help their children make daily decisions. But children do better in life if both parents remain involved in their lives following divorce.

We've come up with some suggestions and tips on how both parents can help in maintaining that precious parent-child relationship for the non-custodial parent.

Suggestions for non-custodiall parents:

• Be reliable and consistent. The pattern for maintaining contact with children is set within the first one to two years following divorce.
• Avoid doing exclusively fun activities when your children are spending time with you. Include them in regular household routines.
• Set up your home so that your child has his or her own room or space when staying with you. Leave notes on the bed or dresser praising them for an accomplishment or simply telling them you love them.
• Pick up your children and drop them off at the agreed upon time with a smile and a hug. Say good-bye the same way. A difficult visit often can be "rescued" by a caring good-bye.
• If you need to change the scheduled time to be with your children, do so ahead of time. If an emergency arises, call your children as soon as possible to let them know you cannot make your scheduled time.
• Volunteer in your child's school. If you live too far away to do it regularly, volunteer for special events.
• Be sure that your child's school has your contact information. Ask them to send copies of grade reports and other parent information to your home, too.
• Ask your friends if your families can do activities together when your children are spending time with you.
• Invite your child's friends to join you in family activities.
• Keep in touch with your child's interests and activities.
• Get to know the parents of your child's friends.
• Avoid discussing disagreements between yourself and the other parent with the children except to say, "We have different opinions about this."
• Work with your former spouse on parenting issues.

For non-custodial parents who live long distances from their children:

• If you live a long distance away, phone, write or E-mail them on a regular basis. Try setting a time each week when you can call them.
• Make video tapes of your activities and send them to your children.
• Send postcards or greeting cards. In today's internet age, remember there are even ecards that can be sent to children's emails to let them know you are thinking about them.
• Keep a daily activity diary of what you have been doing. When you are spending time with your children, it will help you remember what you might want to share with them.
• Keep a log of what the children have been doing so that you can ask them questions about their lives when you are together. Ask your former spouse for this information. Then when you see your child or talk to them on the phone you can say, "What a terrific spelling test, a B+," or "How was your Saturday hockey game?" This will help start a conversation more easily than simply, "How are you?"

As children get older:

Understand that as your child gets older he/she may stay with you less often due to school activities, sports and friends. Talk about changing needs as your child gets older. Think about other ways to keep in contact. Instead of overnight stays, you may want to change to spending dinner and an evening together.

It is important to maintain involvement with adult children as they need your continued parenting too. Children who are "launched" into the adult world before the divorce still experience a difficult time dealing with the divorce of their parents.

Tips for custodial parents:

Custodial parents can help their former spouse stay involved in parenting. Except where there are legally documented reasons that the child should not be in contact with the non-custodiall parent, encourage children to maintain that relationship.

• Talk to your former spouse about your child's friends and parents.
• Let your former spouse know if the child is having any problems.
• Give the school your former spouse's contact information.
• Tell your former spouse about any new interests of the child.
• Call them when important moments occur, such as your child losing his or her first tooth
  or making a soccer goal.
• Encourage the children to keep in contact with the non-custodial parent. Children may need a reminder to call Dad on Father's Day or to send a birthday card.
• Work with your former spouse on parenting issues. If your child is having difficulty in school, discuss it with the nonr-custodial parent and enlist their support in helping the child.
• Have the child ready when they are to be picked up by the other parent.
• Inform the other parent about events that involve the child. Non-custodial parents often need extra notice about upcoming events if they live a long distance away.
• Encourage your child's relationship with the other parent.

Suggestions for both parents:

• Be flexible if situations arise where time with the other parent needs to be adjusted.
• Work with your former spouse on discipline issues. You may not always agree, but discussing the differences will help you know the rules in each home.
• Keep issues of the marriage and divorce separate from issues of the children. When discussing parenting issues, keep other issues out of the conversation.
• Avoid being too permissive or restrictive in parenting. Use what is called democratic parenting, where rules are fair and consistent, and parents use a lot of warmth in their parenting.

When cooperation is difficult

Sometimes parents are unable to work together in parenting. Children who have parents who cannot work together on parenting issues and continue to have conflict after divorce have a difficult time adjusting to divorce.
If you are unable to work together, seek help from a third party. Find a friend, family member, counselor or mediator who can assist both of you in deciding what you can agree on and how to handle issues where you disagree.

Coping with guilt

Most parents at one time or another, experience feelings of guilt about their parenting. For divorced parents especially for non-custodial parents this can occur more often. You may feel that you don't spend enough time with your children or that they do not have everything that you had hoped for them to have.

• Avoid trying to make up for the guilt you feel.
• Be consistent in your parenting.
• Help your children learn through the divorce process that they can have happy, healthy lives.
• Seek support through friends, family members, or a counselor if the guilt becomes overwhelming to you.

Over time, most adults and children adjust to divorce and lead happy fulfilling lives. Parents play a large role in helping children make this adjustment. By continuing to be involved in your child's life and working with your former spouse on parenting issues, your child will benefit.

Keeping track of your child's activities

Keeping a log of activities and events in your child's life can help to enhance the time you spend together. Write down information you receive about your child from various sources. Some sample ideas are listed below.

Child Activity Log Example

• Things we talked about last week
• Things I forgot to ask about last time we talked
• I want to ask my child about the following activities coming up this week:
  - at school
  - in sports
  - other organized activities
  - at home
  - other